It's a Love/Hate Relationship...
So many days have me wondering why, oh why, did I ever leave America for this life in Italy? As previously mentioned on my homepage, FINDING a decent job is the mother of all “jobs” in Italy. It’s been impossible for us to find work worth staying here for. So as it is, we are planning on returning to America. We actually decided this months ago and turned in all the necessary paper work in July 2007. In the meantime, we wait…and wait…and wait. As far as places I’d like to be stuck, Italy has to top my list, so it’s not ALL bad. It’s just that at this point I’d like to begin our life. You know, the life where we’re settled in with jobs and a home, security and bank accounts. I want a family and somewhere to “grow roots”. Soon enough, I suppose. When I’m feeling especially anxious about this situation I remind myself that before I know it I’ll have a mortgage, 3 kids and no babysitter, and a job that has my alarm clock ringing at ungodly hours of the morning. I can imagine at that point in my life I’ll look back at this time now and think, “Oh God please take me back to those carefree days in Italy, living one block away from the beaches, having the freedom to come and go as we please and sleeping in everyday of the week”. It was just this week that I’ve had a great realization. I’m not sure if it merits a description such as an “epiphany” but it has indeed changed my life. It’s all very basic, common sense really. That’s the funny thing about common sense though, it’s not very common. I have discovered a truth about myself…I’m never happy, no matter what. Whatever the present moment is offering, I blind myself to it. I constantly think of the mistakes in my past and I continue to plan for what course of action will make me happy in the future. This leaves no room for right NOW. So what happens when the “future” arrives? I regret not having lived in the “now” and then make plans on how I can do so in the future. Insane, isn’t it? One big ugly circle of regret and longing.
Then all of a sudden, one day last week I woke up refreshed, aware and living (finally) for the day! I’ve always known the simple lessons of appreciating what you have but I’d never felt them quite as clearly as I do now. I find myself embracing this time in Italy as opposed to fighting it. I realized that the last thing I want is to be in America 6 months from now and think about this time here with regret. So I’ve finally traded my cynicism for gratitude and I’m loving every day more. God forbid, I may die tomorrow or have to deal with a real tragedy. This moment is all I have, all I TRULY have. The past is gone and the future’s unknown…live right now.
Then all of a sudden, one day last week I woke up refreshed, aware and living (finally) for the day! I’ve always known the simple lessons of appreciating what you have but I’d never felt them quite as clearly as I do now. I find myself embracing this time in Italy as opposed to fighting it. I realized that the last thing I want is to be in America 6 months from now and think about this time here with regret. So I’ve finally traded my cynicism for gratitude and I’m loving every day more. God forbid, I may die tomorrow or have to deal with a real tragedy. This moment is all I have, all I TRULY have. The past is gone and the future’s unknown…live right now.